High Achiever Read online

  “Yes, it’s seven thousand dollars. Can you show me where it is?” He smiled, holding up his menu like a smart-ass.

  “Mitch, you can’t just fucking show up to my job like this. Are you serious right now?” I whispered frantically.

  “I’ve given you more than enough time, too much time, actually. I thought for sure the idea of your boyfriend finding out who you really are would be enough motivation for you to return my money, but evidently I was mistaken.”

  “Listen, it’s not that,” I said. “Of course I don’t want him to know, it would destroy him. It’s just, it’s not easy to get that kind of money, especially when…” My voice trailed off.

  “Especially when, what? You’re a junkie and have to feed your addiction first? I get it. Which is why I figured I’d give you some incentive.”

  My heart began to pound as I wondered where he was going with this.

  I quickly glanced around the restaurant and noticed a few servers standing by the computer waiting impatiently for me to come put my manager code in for them. “I have to go, Mitch. Give me one more week. I’m trying, I really am.”

  “Do you remember Cinco de Mayo?” he asked calmly, unfolding his napkin and placing it on his lap.

  “What the fuck? Cinco de Mayo? Like six years ago? Yeah. We went to the party downtown, then crashed at your house. What does that have to do with anything?” I asked, feeling confused and growing impatient.

  The fact that he was moving so slow and talking like he was some kind of gangster in a movie was really getting on my nerves.

  “Do you remember what happened when we got back to my place?” he asked.

  “Jesus Christ, dude, I don’t have time for this. Just tell me what the hell—” I stopped midsentence as the memory of that night resurfaced. He smiled in response to my sudden realization.

  “You are a liar,” I snarled, feeling enraged that he would threaten me like this.

  “Am I?” he said, with a look of confusion. My eyes fell to his pocket as he reached in it to pull something out.

  “I actually thought you might say that.” He held his phone up so the screen faced me; my blood ran cold once I registered the image.

  “You have five days to get me my money or everyone on the Internet gets to see your performance,” he said, standing up. I stared at him in disbelief as he threw a twenty-dollar bill on the table and smiled at me. “Keep the change.”

  He made it two steps before turning around and snatching it back up from the table. “Actually, I’ll go ahead and keep this. Just give me $6,980 by Friday.” He winked and headed toward the door.

  Three days had passed since Mitch showed up at my workplace to threaten me. I had already pawned everything valuable of mine, as well as lots of things that belonged to Eliot—things he wouldn’t notice missing from around the house. I had nothing left to pawn and two days to get Mitch the money or…something terrible was going to happen.

  As the hours passed and my desperation grew, my moral compass started to shift. It was as if my conscience that had always told me right from wrong had faded as my need to obtain money had grown.

  I had begun dipping into my tax check to support my habit, because there was no way I would be able to continue to work—and continue to think of ways to make this money—all while keeping it hidden from Eliot and trying to remain as normal-seeming as possible. It was like trying to shovel during a blizzard; as soon as I made money, I had to spend it to not get sick. I couldn’t get ahead of it.

  I couldn’t have Eliot find out that I was a junkie—not like this.

  I cranked the music up in my car and banged the pill I’d just gotten from my friend Danny. I had been avoiding Lazarus since the other night, and a pang of guilt kicked me in the gut every time the memory crossed my mind.

  I listened to the rhythm of the music as the wave of bliss hit me. I closed my eyes to enjoy this moment, this split second as the drug entered my bloodstream. Because it was in this second that nothing mattered. In this moment, I was thoughtless, weightless, I was free.

  The feeling faded, and slowly the hideous world around me became louder, more apparent. All the lies, negative thoughts, and twisted situations I’d gotten myself into rushed back in like a dam had been flung open.

  If I could have had that fifteen seconds of ecstasy after shooting the pill be my permanent state of mind, life would have been perfect. It was all the unbearable seconds before and after the high that made me want to die. Fifteen seconds of relief from my sad reality had become my number one priority, because the escape—no matter how fleeting—was invaluable.

  I thought about Mitch coming to visit me, I thought about Cinco de Mayo. I had spent the night doing a ridiculous amount of drugs and chugging countless bottles of beer. The night was a blur, but I remember…I remember what we did.

  I remember him setting the camcorder up and crawling onto the bed with me. I remember him telling me how beautiful I was and how he wanted to remember the moment forever. I remember feeling special, and loved. I remember him promising he would never show a soul.

  Now he was going to post the tape of us on social media if I didn’t get him the money.

  Tears streamed down my face as I realized that soon everyone would know the truth about me. About the things I’d done. Eliot and all his friends and family would have a front-row seat to a drug-fueled, intimate moment I’d had with another man.

  I was fucking fucked.

  I couldn’t let that happen. Suddenly I had an idea. I hadn’t thought of it before, probably because it never in a million years was on my radar of things to do to get money. But the stakes were higher now, and honestly there wasn’t a damn thing I wouldn’t do to keep that video from getting out there.

  I knew of a house that I could gain access to that might have some items I could borrow and pawn until I paid Mitch off. Then I could return them before anyone noticed.

  I picked up the phone and began dialing.

  “Hello?” Eliot’s mom said cheerfully.

  “Hey! I know you guys are working today but I have a huge favor to ask. Is there any way I can swing by and use your computer to reprint some of my tax stuff? I guess the accountant needs it,” I lied.

  “Of course, sweetheart, there’s some leftover turkey in the fridge if you’re hungry, make yourself at home.” I squeezed my eyes shut as a knife of shame stabbed through my heart.

  “Thank you, I’ll talk to you later,” I said, quickly hanging up.

  I sat with my hands on the steering wheel for a moment, nervously tapping my foot and debating what to do. Stealing from people who had been nothing but amazing to me was a horrific thing to do. Having them find out that I’d lied to their son, manipulated him, and broken his heart—and had a sex tape out there that they could see if they chose—seemed worse.

  I was already going to hell, there was no question of that. Now it was just a matter of how badly I was going to hurt everyone before going.

  * * *

  —

  “So, you went to his parents’ house?” Kelly interrupted.

  “Yes. I did.”

  “And that’s when you stole the wedding ring?”

  I stared off into the distance, feeling empty and ashamed. I could feel a knot growing in my throat as I relived this memory with Kelly.

  “Hey, I’m not here to judge you. I know it’s hard, but you are doing great. We are going to work through all of this, I promise,” she said.

  I had tears in my eyes when I looked back up at her. Each time I tried to begin speaking, my voice cracked.

  “I didn’t know it was a wedding ring. I thought he wore his wedding ring. I…I hate that I did that. The ring was irreplaceable. I honestly want to die when I think about that,” I cried.

  “I think it’s good for you to feel what you’re feeling, it’s importan
t. The regret, the guilt, the shame associated with the things you did. The fact that you are feeling that tells me that you are making progress. You never allowed yourself to feel these emotions before; you always pushed them away and avoided them. The only way to get through it is to go through it—and that’s what you are doing,” she said, placing her hand on my knee.

  “The things that I had taken from his parents’ house got me closer to what I needed, but I still didn’t have enough. I had already gone all out, and honestly at this point it was like I didn’t care. I wasn’t thinking. The guilt of what I’d done to his parents was gnawing at me and I needed to get high to forget, to not feel so fucking bad.”

  She nodded as I continued speaking.

  “I know that sounds selfish, but I literally didn’t know how to cope with those feelings. Those emotions caused, like, my brain to short out or something. It was so heavy, and getting high made it lighter, I guess. Anyway, I didn’t want to tap into the money I’d already saved, and I remembered that Eliot had gotten three hundred dollars for his birthday a few days before. I needed that money to get high, because I was starting to get sick. But since it was only me and him in the house I couldn’t just take it, you know? Because he would know it was me.”

  “Well, couldn’t you have asked to borrow it?”

  “No.”

  “Why is that?”

  “Because he had already given me a hundred dollars the week before, and money was tight. If I asked him for more he would want to know why, and it would have been too obvious, I guess. I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking straight at this point. My internal setting was stuck on desperation, so I wasn’t operating with common sense. I was just…I was just doing what I thought I had to do to keep my world from crumbling, and it was exhausting. It would have been so much easier to just tell the fucking truth. At the time it seemed impossible, but looking back…if I had known how it all was going to end…I would have just told the truth.”

  “And how did it end, Tiffany?” she asked quietly.

  I stared at the floor for a moment before slowly bringing my eyes up to hers.

  “In complete fucking chaos,” I said.

  44

  Tonight was the night.

  I was meeting Mitch at a local restaurant at six p.m. to give him the money I owed him. Technically, I didn’t have it just yet, but I would very soon. As I paced back and forth across my living room, my puppy Tatum’s toenails clicked against the hardwood floor as she ran beside me, excited.

  “What the hell am I doing?” I asked her. Her tail began to wag in response and I couldn’t help but think how fucking wonderful it would be to be a dog. Having no responsibility, no pressure. Just running around and pooping. I hated being human; I hated having to think and make decisions and dig myself out of the bottomless holes that I’d created. It would be so much easier to be a dog.

  I had to quit stalling; I was running out of time. I took a deep breath and bounded to the hallway closet. As I grabbed the blanket on top of the shelf, I froze.

  Was I sure I wanted to do this? There was no coming back from this once it was done. I had done a lot of really messed-up things in my day—but this took the cake.

  I thought of what would happen if I didn’t do this. I imagined the faces of everyone I’d ever known as they hit play on the video Mitch would send to them. Images of that night flashed across my mind and I cringed, remembering what was on that tape.

  If that tape was released, I could never show my face again. I would have to kill myself or at the very least leave the country and change my name. My life would be over.

  With a newfound determination, I ripped the blanket from the shelf and headed toward the spare bedroom.

  My heart pounded as I reached into the hole in the wall of the closet for the cigar box. My fingers fumbled around until I felt the wood of the box. I reached inside and pulled out the keys to the gun safe.

  Eliot kept a ton of guns in there: rifles, handguns, and some automatic weapons. He never went into the gun safe unless we went shooting, and we hadn’t done that in years. By the time he noticed anything was missing, I would have had plenty of time to come up with a reason they were gone. For now, however, I had to do this.

  The door squeaked as I pulled it open and I could hardly catch my breath. Holy shit, I can’t believe this is actually happening.

  I quickly stretched the blanket out across the floor as if I were preparing a picnic, except this was no picnic, this was the craziest thing I had ever done.

  I immediately located the first two types of guns Lazarus had asked for and placed them in the middle of the blanket before returning to the gun safe to find the third. He had specifically asked for a nine-millimeter, but I was having trouble locating it.

  As I searched each gun in the case individually, I thought about the conversation I’d had with Lazarus. He said there were some guys after him and he was worried for his life. He wanted protection, and as if the universe had aligned perfectly in order for me to pay Mitch, he messaged me and asked me if I could get him any guns.

  He said he would pay me four thousand dollars for three of them. Now I didn’t believe in God, but if there ever was a sign from heaven that I needed to see, this was it. I knew that this was what I was meant to do. Opportunities like this don’t just happen; it was fate. To get my life back where it needed to be, I had to sell these guns.

  There was no nine-millimeter in this safe.

  I closed my eyes and sat down on the blanket feeling defeated. I didn’t know how much he would give me for only two, especially when he had specifically asked for a nine. I told him I had one; son of a bitch, I could have sworn we did.

  Tears began streaming down my face when I realized it was over. Time had run out, and now I had no way to pay Mitch. I lay down on the blanket on the floor and stared up at the ceiling. Maybe I should just tell Eliot everything now, mentally prepare him for what was coming tonight. Tell him that our whole relationship had been a lie because I’m actually a junkie piece of trash. Let him know I wasn’t strong enough to beat my demons and I’d allowed them to take over my life.

  Tell him that I’d lied to him every day for years, and every time he ever touched me, there were narcotics floating through my veins.

  I’d have to sit him down and shatter his heart and let him know that there was also a very good chance that his entire family, the entire police department, and anyone else with a computer and a set of eyes was about to see a sex tape I’d made six years ago while inebriated. Maybe if I ended my life with one of these guns, I wouldn’t even have to explain myself. Mitch would feel too guilty to release the tape and Eliot would never have to know the whole truth about who I really am.

  A frustrated scream escaped my throat as I pounded the floor with my fists. I curled up into a ball right there next to those guns and stared at the wall. I looked at the framed photo of Eliot smiling next to his mother. Neither of them deserved anything I’d done.

  As I stared at the photo, I suddenly noticed something that caused me to sit straight up. His mother had her hand resting on the side of his hip, the hip where he kept his off-duty weapon.

  I jumped up from the floor, startling Tatum, and sprinted to our bedroom.

  I yanked the drawer of his nightstand open, and my eyes glistened with tears of relief as I stared down at the nine-millimeter handgun he kept by the bed. I knew we had one here. I slowly reached down and wrapped my fingers around the cold metal handle and pulled it up to my chest. Everything was going to be fine now. Everything was going to be okay….

  “Technically you owe me another hundred, but I will let it slide,” Mitch said, tucking the money into his wallet and placing it back into his pocket.

  “Now delete the fucking video,” I snapped.

  “Okay, okay, geez. You know, it honestly saddens me to have to get rid of this, it�
��s actually really great,” he said, entering the password into his phone.

  “Stop,” I said.

  “No, seriously, do you want to watch it together one last time? The part where you snorted the coke off my—”

  “Damn it, delete the fucking video right now, I am not in the mood for this shit. I just want this to be over.”

  “Done,” he said, holding his phone up to show me that it was gone.

  “Please get the hell out of my car now. And stay away from me and my boyfriend. I kept up my end of the deal, and if you fuck me over I swear to God—”

  “Relax,” he said. “I don’t want to destroy your life, Tiff, I just wanted my money. And now I have it, so we are good.”

  “Okay,” I said, starting the car.

  “Before I go,” he said, reaching into his pocket, “here, for your trouble.” He handed me a pill and smiled. “Talk soon,” he said, slamming the door shut behind him.

  The moment that door slammed, it felt as if I was finally able to drop the backpack filled with heavy rocks I’d been carrying around for months. The release of that burden was almost orgasmic. It was over. Now I could focus on getting my shit together and getting clean; that way I could put all of this behind me. After this last pill, I was done. I’d learned my lesson.

  I smiled as I pulled into our neighborhood. I couldn’t wait to hug Eliot. Thinking that I was going to lose him at any given moment had been torturous. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t have to worry. I glanced down at the clock and saw that it was almost seven-thirty; he should be home by now.

  As I turned left onto my street, every ounce of joy I’d been feeling immediately drained and was replaced with terror. I inched closer to my home and my heart felt like it was going to stop.

  Why the fuck were there three police cruisers in my driveway?

  My entire body trembled as I approached the door, and I listened for laughter. Maybe he was having some friends over and forgot to tell me. The doorknob rattled as I wrapped my unsteady hand around it.