High Achiever Read online

  “Babe, I know. I should never have invited her over. I just missed her so much. She was my best friend, and I like all the new friends I’m making—your friends—it’s just that I miss the people I grew up with. I miss my mom. I feel like my old life is so far away and I guess I thought…I thought that seeing Kayla might make me feel closer to my mom. I don’t know. I’m so sorry.” I began to cry; I knew that the tears would seal the deal.

  “Come here, babe,” he said, pulling me in for a hug. “I’m so sorry about your mom, I can’t imagine how hard that must be. I know that you can overcome this, you will overcome this. And I’ll be right here by your side while you do. I love you.”

  I took a deep breath, relieved that he was being so great about this. I really did like him, maybe even loved him. I was grateful that he was able to overlook my flaws and love me despite them.

  “So, what do I need to do to help you?” he asked, grabbing my hand and placing it between his.

  That was a great question. What the hell could he do? The only thing that came to mind was handcuffing me and keeping me in the closet, because apparently I wasn’t able to control myself when left to my own devices.

  “I think…I think I need to move in. I need to get away from town, away from the bad influences, that way I won’t be so tempted, ya know?”

  What am I saying? What the hell did I just do?

  His eyes lit up like a Christmas tree as he reached for the box and handed it over to me. I forced out a smile and grabbed it, wondering if it would be inappropriate for me to throw it back at him and run full speed out the door. It was too late, I’d already said the words.

  “Before I give this to you,” he said, keeping a firm grasp on it, “promise me that you are done with the pills.” His face was serious again.

  I stared into his eyes for a moment. Was this a promise I could keep? He was so amazing, and I really didn’t want to end things with him. He loved me unconditionally and was the best thing that had happened to me in a really long time. I really couldn’t fuck this up.

  “I promise.”

  I had every intention of keeping that promise. I honestly, truthfully, wholeheartedly did. But addiction is a sneaky bitch. It doesn’t care who you’re dating, who you love, if you have kids, a job, or goals. It doesn’t care who you were or who you plan to be. It creeps in when you least expect it, consumes your thoughts and, eventually, your life.

  * * *

  —

  “Hello, everyone, I’m Tiffany, and I’m the new shift leader. I just transferred here from the Santiago location and I look forward to working with all of you,” I said to my new employees.

  They smiled and looked around at each other, confused by my presence. This was a last-minute decision, and none of them expected it. They all stared at me for a moment and I felt awkward, unsure of what to say next. “You’re free to go,” I said, and they immediately scattered like roaches, desperate to get away from the weird morning meeting.

  It had been two weeks since I’d moved in with Eliot and decided to transfer to a different location. This one was much closer to my house and I liked the idea of starting fresh.

  “Hi, I’m Monica,” a blond, obviously pregnant girl said, sticking out her hand for me to shake.

  “Nice to meet you, I’m Tiffany.” She must have noticed I was staring at her belly, because she gently placed her hand over her belly button and rubbed it in a circular motion. “There’s two of them in there,” she said, smiling.

  “Holy shit! Congratulations! I’m pretty impressed that you are still working,” I said.

  “I know, it’s hard. I don’t have a choice, though. My boyfriend left before we found out I was pregnant and has been MIA ever since,” she said sadly, looking down.

  “Well, please let me know if there’s anything I can do to make your life easier. I can only imagine how hard it must be to run around while pregnant, especially with two!” I smiled.

  “Thank you so much, I will.” She grabbed a tray and headed out to the dining room.

  It felt really good to be in a new place. New scenery, new faces, and a new start. Eliot and I hadn’t spoken about my relapse since the night of the party. It was as if nothing ever happened.

  My first night at the restaurant had gone fairly smoothly, apart from a few drink spills and one customer growing enraged at the sight of her tiny baked potato. Nothing I couldn’t handle.

  I began checking the servers out at the end of their shifts, taking their money and receipts. One by one they left for the night until it was only Monica, David the cook, and me. Monica waddled in with one hand on her back and a pained look on her face. She let out a loud sigh as she and her twins plopped down in the empty seat at my desk.

  “You okay?” I asked as I reached over to take her receipts.

  “Yep, fine. My feet are as big as balloons, I can feel it. I can’t wait to go home and soak in a warm bath,” she said, stretching her legs out straight in front of her.

  “Mmm, I bet—that sounds really good actually.” A warm bath, I might have to take one myself after I get off. Eliot is at work, so I have the house to myself.

  “Well, it was nice working with you, Tiffany. Happy to have a new face in here. The other manager is a real asshole. Anyway, I’m gonna take a piss, then head to the bus stop. I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said, struggling to stand up. I jumped up and reached for her arm to help pull her up.

  “What do you mean, bus stop?” I asked.

  “Oh, yeah, I don’t have a license. So I take the bus. It’s no big deal, been doin’ it for years,” she said as she strained to bend down for her purse on the ground.

  “Hold on,” I said, reaching down and grabbing it for her.

  “Wait!” she exclaimed as I grabbed one of the straps on her bag. As I pulled it up the weight of the contents caused the purse to turn sideways, spilling most of its contents onto the floor. Coins began clinking and her lip gloss and pens rolled in different directions.

  “Oh my gosh, I am so sorry—” I started to say, but stopped short when I noticed her expression. She was frozen in place with a look of horror on her face. I stared at her confused, then looked back down at the floor. I hadn’t noticed it before.

  I looked back at her in shock, unsure of what to say as she dropped to her knees and frantically began shoving the items back into the bag. It was too late. I’d already seen it.

  “Listen…” she began. I held up my hand to stop her. “Please,” she continued, “I really can’t lose this job…” she pleaded. “I know this looks bad, but…”

  “Stop. Just stop,” I said, sitting back in my chair and thinking for a moment. So many things flashed across my mind. I had so many choices in this moment and didn’t know what the hell to do. This girl was pregnant. I just started here. What the fuck.

  I stood up, then walked past her to make sure the restaurant was empty and shut all the lights off. “Dave, you’re good to go!” I yelled over my shoulder at the cook as I stepped back into my office and shut the door.

  “Please, are you gonna fire—”

  “Shut the fuck up for a second!” I snapped, hurrying to type in the totals for the day. I logged off the computer and grabbed the deposit bag and my keys.

  As I pulled the office door open, I turned around to face her with my hand still on the knob.

  “You aren’t taking the bus. I’m giving you a ride home…and you’re gonna give me five of those Roxies…” I turned off the light and headed toward the parking lot.

  33

  “Take a left here,” Monica said, unbuckling her seatbelt. I glanced over at her as I made the left turn.

  “Why are you taking off your seatbelt already?” I asked. It seemed suspicious.

  “What are you talking about? We are about to be at my house,” she said.

  “Listen, if you
are planning on jumping out of this car and running inside before giving me my shit, I swear to God I will tackle you. I don’t give a fuck if you are pregnant, and you certainly don’t seem to care either.” I pressed on the brake to slow down. “Where do I go?”

  “It’s this house here. I do give a shit about my twins, actually, and I wasn’t going to run, obviously…here.” She reluctantly dropped five pills into the palm of my hand, and I immediately clasped it shut. I could tell she was annoyed, but I didn’t give a shit. The bitch had like five hundred of them in her bag. I had had no intention of doing pills anymore, but it was almost as if God wanted me to find them. I mean, they practically fell into my lap.

  I watched her struggle to maneuver her way out of the passenger seat and smiled. Normally I would have run around to help her, but I’d lost all respect for this girl once I saw that she had no problem poisoning her twins. Once she pulled herself up, she leaned down to grab her purse. “It’s not what you think. They aren’t mine,” she said.

  “Yeah, okay. That’s what they all say. If you try to tell management that I do pills, Monica, I will have you fired faster than you can blink. There’s security cameras in the office. They would probably take your babies away the minute they popped out, so don’t fuck with me.” I put the car into drive so that she would get the hint to shut the damn door, but she stood there for a moment and I could tell she had something more to say.

  “Hello, can you shut the door, you’re letting mosquitoes in,” I said.

  She took a step back and started to shut the door, but before she did she leaned down until her eyes met mine. “You are making a big mistake. Grams isn’t going to be happy about this.”

  “What? Who the hell is Gr—” She slammed the door shut and started walking to the house. I rolled the passenger window down to call out to her. “Did you just say your grandma isn’t gonna be happy about this? Hello?” She glanced back over her shoulder one more time, then stepped into her house, shutting the door behind her.

  That girl is a friggin’ nutcase. What’s her grandma gonna do, hit me with her cane?

  I sped the whole way home, anxious to do a pill. A normal person would probably think, Why the hell would you speed? You could have gotten pulled over and arrested for possession. I feel the need to remind you that my boyfriend was an officer in that county, so there was no way in hell that I was getting more than a high five and a “What’s up” from any cop I came across.

  The car was barely in park when I ripped the key out of the ignition and ran full speed inside. I felt like a kid running down the stairs on Christmas. It was strange the way my brain was able to compartmentalize certain emotions and situations. The part where I had promised Eliot I would no longer do pills anymore was stuffed away in a box, way in the back. The box that held my selfish wants and needs was beautifully wrapped and begging to be opened.

  As I crushed the pill up on the counter, a tiny voice inside my head gently reminded me that I was making a terrible mistake, that I was supposed to be doing the right thing and staying clean. That voice was quickly muffled by the deafening roar of my addiction, screaming for me to hurry the fuck up and snort this.

  It would be different this time, I told myself as I lined up the fine powder with my debit card. I would just do these few and then stop again. I had to do these, they were fucking free. What the hell was I going to do, throw them away?

  “It will be different this time,” I said aloud as I sniffed the entire line deep into my nose. “I promise.”

  Thirty seconds later, every muscle in my face began to relax. My eyelids grew heavier and I found myself moving in slow motion toward my bed. God, I missed this feeling. Why would I ever want to stop doing these? I finally felt like myself again for the first time in a long time.

  I glanced over at the closet as I flopped down onto the bed and stared at Eliot’s uniform hanging on the back of the door. It was as if this outfit were taunting me. What have you done? You don’t deserve Eliot. You are nothing but a junkie loser. You don’t really think you’ll get away with this, do you?

  “Screw you, stupid uniform.” I threw a pillow at the back of the door and his uniform fell to the floor, making a clink sound as his name badge hit the wood floor. “Son of a bitch,” I said to myself, rolling off the bed to go pick it up. When I leaned down to pick it up, the bedroom door suddenly swung open and knocked me to the floor.

  I let out a scream that shook the windows and immediately placed my hands up in front of my face to protect it from the ax murderer entering my room. It was then that I heard a laugh I knew all too well.

  “Geez. Calm down, it’s just me,” Eliot said.

  “What the hell are you doing home? You almost gave me a friggin’ heart attack!” I yelled, standing up to hug him. Not necessarily because I was in a loving mood, but mainly because I was high as a fucking kite and knew he’d be able to tell the second he got a look at my face. I’d messed up. This was a terrible idea. What the hell was I supposed to do now?

  I thought he was going to be on duty all night—so I could watch a movie and pass out and he’d never know I’d relapsed. I had a foolproof plan…or so I thought.

  I knew in that moment I had no other choice but to tell him. He was already on high alert because of last time, and once he took one look into my eyes his heart would break. It was better that he hear the truth now, instead of being forced to ask. I’d already done enough damage; it was time for me to move on.

  I hugged him for a moment longer, realizing this would probably be the last time I would ever be loved by someone as wonderful as him. I wanted to stay in this moment forever, because I knew the second I pulled away, life as he knew it would completely change.

  I took a deep breath and let go.

  I raised my eyes to him and began to speak, but I was interrupted. “You are so beautiful, baby,” he said, looking into my eyes before pulling me in for another hug.

  “Thank you, honey, um, but we need to talk about something,” I said, pulling away before he got too deep into this mood.

  “Uh-oh,” he said, stepping back and looking down at me. “You’re not pregnant, are you?” he said, laughing. I laughed too, but it was nervous laughter, so it came out as an obnoxious cackle.

  “Pregnant. Ha, good one, babe. Um, nope. Not pregnant. Thank God. Right?”

  The laughter subsided, and his face returned to a look of concern. “What’s up, Tiff? You okay?” I paused before speaking. I knew he already knew. “What’s the matter?” he asked, a hint of panic in his voice.

  “Well, I…” I was struggling to find the words.

  “Is it your job? You don’t like it there, do you?” he said. I looked at him for a moment, trying to get a read on what he was thinking. He had a look of genuine confusion on his face, but nothing about his expression insinuated he thought I was high. I knew for a fact I looked high; I had just snorted an entire pill after three months of being clean. So why wasn’t he catching on?

  “Babe, you’re killing me. What is it?” he pleaded.

  He was staring into my eyes. He was looking right at me. How was he not aware of what I was about to say? It didn’t matter, it was now or never. I had to tell the truth.

  “Um, well. I met a pregnant girl at my job tonight. She’s pregnant with twins and…she was doing drugs. When I went to check her out, her purse fell on the floor and—”

  His jaw dropped open and his face twisted in disgust. “You have got to be kidding me. My God, those poor babies. What the—well, did you fire her?”

  I stared at him for a moment, waiting for him to piece the puzzle together. Suddenly, I realized what was happening. Despite the fact that he was a professional at knowing when someone was high, he had no clue that the person a foot away from his face had faded.

  Oh my God.

  The script had suddenly changed. I was no longer t
he poor addict about to confess that once again I’d failed at making it any length of time without drugs. My new role was that of a responsible restaurant manager focused on ridding the workplace of all delinquent employees. “You bet your ass I did,” I said, beaming with pride.

  He smiled and pulled me in for a bear hug. “I am so proud of you, Tiffany,” he whispered.

  “Thank you, babe, I told you. I am a different person now.”

  34

  I looked up at Dr. Peters after realizing I had been lost in my story for a while. “I’m sorry, I got carried away.”

  “No, no. It’s fine,” she said, smiling.

  “Should I continue?” I asked nervously. It was incredibly odd to talk about myself for this long.

  She glanced quickly at her watch and folded her hands on her lap. “Please do, we have plenty of time. Perhaps we can finish your story before I have to leave; that way I won’t have to wait two weeks to hear the rest.” She laughed, slipping her heels off and crossing her legs underneath her on the couch.

  “Okay.” I smiled as I leaned back and got comfy too. Dr. Peters was in for a doozy with this next part.

  * * *

  —

  Once I had realized that I could get away with being high—that Eliot didn’t notice—things escalated pretty quickly. One month later, to the day, I made a choice that would alter the course of my life indefinitely.

  “I can’t come in today. I’m really sick, Don.”

  Before calling in to work, I lay backward on the bed with my head hanging off the edge. I heard that this position tightens your throat and makes you sound sick. I was sick, sicker than I’ve ever been. But it wasn’t a cold or the flu, it was much worse.

  “Tiffany, you’ve been missing a lot of work lately; are you sure everything is okay?” Don asked, sounding slightly agitated.

  “Yes, I don’t know what’s going on. I need to go to the hospital, I think. I’ll go today probably,” I lied. I didn’t need a fucking doctor, I needed a Roxy.