High Achiever Read online

  He was the kindest man I’d ever met and I suddenly felt terrible that he fell for a piece of shit like me. He deserved so much better.

  I called off work because I knew there was no fucking way I could be nice to strangers when my world was crumbling around me. It was not an ideal day to call off either, as I’d just received a promotion and was now basically a manager. I was supposed to train to do the end-of-shift deposits, but that shit was not happening.

  Instead I spent most of the day lying in bed, smoking weed, and contemplating how I was going to word this breakup.

  Hey, babe, remember how I told you I used to be addicted to drugs? Well, surprise! Shit—no, that wasn’t good.

  Hi, honey, quick question, on a scale of one to ten, guess who relapsed last night? Son of a bitch.

  Sweetie, hey, remember how you told me how amazing I was and how you thought you were falling in love with me? Well, I snorted a bunch of drugs last night while you were out protecting the community because I’m a fucking loser and I’m sorry, but we can’t be together. Sounds about right.

  I grabbed my phone and decided to call my best friend, Kayla. She was the one who drove me to rehab. Well, technically, I drove and she was in the passenger seat crushing pills and lining them up for me so I didn’t have to take my hands off the steering wheel.

  We got addicted to pills together and hadn’t really hung out much since I’d gotten out of rehab; she was still using and it was hard for me to be around it. So I’d kept my distance up until this point.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey,” I said.

  “Hey?”

  “What’s up?”

  “Um, nothing, what’s wrong?” We had a really close bond; she could tell from my voice something was wrong.

  “I fucked up.”

  “Shut up.”

  “Swear.”

  “Tiffany.”

  “I know.”

  “I’m on my way.”

  Now you would think she was coming over to give me a shoulder to cry on, maybe give me some words of encouragement, but when I hung up that phone, we both knew why she was coming.

  We spent the next two hours snorting lines and smoking cigarettes.

  I told her what had happened and she laughed and shook her head at my predicament. I mean, I was in a fucking relationship with a friggin’ deputy for Christ’s sake, one who was about to be dumped by his junkie girlfriend. What the hell was wrong with me?

  “I’m doing him a favor, really,” I said as I licked the remaining powder off the card I’d used to crush my pill. “I mean, it’s better that he knows now rather than later. Honestly, like, I think part of the reason I relapsed also was like, the pressure, you know? Of dating a cop?”

  Kayla nodded in slow motion, through squinted eyes. I knew she wasn’t comprehending a word I’d said, but it felt good to process my thoughts. I’d decided to get good and high before meeting up with Eliot. It was going to be an incredibly difficult conversation and I needed to take the edge off.

  “I’m done after tonight anyway,” I said, scratching an invisible itch on my arm. “I can’t get addicted again, but I’m still gonna end it with him because I feel like I’m only gonna hurt him mo—”

  Before I could finish my sentence, a thick stream of vomit spewed from my face like a water hose, landing all over my pants and Brandon’s suede couch.

  “What…the fuck?” Kayla said, suddenly wide-awake. “Are you okay?”

  I couldn’t stop. Wave after wave of nausea rose up from my belly and I lurched forward, attempting to miss the couch. I choked and gagged on my vomit, and midhurl I heard the front door slam shut.

  “Jesus Christ.”

  Brandon was home.

  “What the hell, Kayla?”

  “It’s not me! I didn’t do anything! She just, she’s not feeling good.”

  “Bullshit. You gotta go, now,” Brandon said with authority.

  “Oh my God, whatever.” I felt her weight leave the couch as she stood up to leave. “Call me later, Tiff, I hope you feel better. And you are an asshole, Brandon, I had nothing to do with this,” she said, slamming the door behind her.

  “Tiff,” Brandon said, placing his hand on my back, “I told you that you didn’t need to be hanging out with her anymore, now look at you.”

  I leaned back into the couch and took a deep breath, wiping the puke from my mouth. I turned my head to face Brandon and tears started falling. “I know, I didn’t want to do it, I’ve been doing so good. But she just pulled the pills out in front of me. When she asked if I wanted some, I couldn’t say no.” I forced out a couple of sobs, and I knew when he shook his head in disappointment that he was buying it.

  “Damn it, man. What are you gonna do about Eliot?”

  “He gets off in a few hours. I’m gonna shower and then head over there to break the news. I can’t believe this happened. I should have known when she asked to stop by that it was a bad idea. I just missed her, ya know?”

  “I know, Tiff, this isn’t your fault, she should have known better. I’m sorry this happened,” he said, patting my back sympathetically.

  As I took one last look at myself in the mirror before heading to Eliot’s, I couldn’t help but feel disgusted about the person I’d become.

  I used to be a happy kid.

  I used to be captain of the cheerleading squad.

  I was voted class clown and Valentine Queen at my high school dance—and now I’m a twenty-three-year-old junkie piece of shit with nothing to show for my life. My mom is gone, my sister won’t talk to me, and my dad—who the hell knows what’s going on with my dad.

  I had pulled my car over on the way to Eliot’s to do a line. I felt like if I didn’t have something to calm my nerves I wouldn’t have the guts to go. I was going to tell him I was high anyway, so it didn’t matter if he noticed.

  The walk up to his front door was the most terrifying thirty seconds of my life. I almost turned around twice and my heart felt like it might die from pumping too hard and too fast.

  My eyes were swollen from the tears, and the disappointment made my whole body feel twenty pounds heavier.

  I took a deep, deliberate breath and quickly hit the doorbell before I could change my mind. I heard footsteps and things clamoring behind the door as my heart pounded even faster. Here we go, moment of truth.

  I heard the metal click as the door was unlocked from the inside, and as the door swung open I was hit in the face with something—silly string? It all happened in slow motion.

  His dad and mom off to the side smiling, his brother laughing, and his brother’s wife clapping excitedly. There were ten other people standing behind Eliot, but I couldn’t process who they were. Music suddenly started blaring and simultaneously everyone screamed:

  “Surprise!”

  I stared in stunned silence and realized the house was adorned with balloons and streamers. Eliot reached out for my hand, but I was frozen. He laughed as he pulled me close and placed his lips next to my ear, and my jaw dropped in horror when he whispered, “Congratulations on your promotion, babe, this accomplishment is worthy of a celebration. We are so proud of you!”

  28

  As I clung to the cold ceramic sink, I had trouble pulling air into my lungs. It was as if I were trapped inside a bad dream—one in which my deputy boyfriend and his entire family were about to realize that they’d wasted perfectly good balloons on a drug-addicted loser.

  The excited voices of Eliot’s family and friends echoed within the walls of the bathroom. I could hear bits and pieces of the conversations, all of which revolved around me. “She’s such a wonderful girl.” “It’s about time Eliot got himself a good girl.” “She deserves to be celebrated.”

  Jesus Christ. These people had no idea. I was none of those things. I was broken, lost, and scar
red so deeply that if any of these people truly knew the real me, they would furiously rip those streamers down while shooing me out the door.

  I stared desperately at my reflection in the mirror, looking for answers. What the fuck was I supposed to do here? I realized I’d already been in the bathroom for ten minutes; I needed to come up with a plan—and fast.

  It seemed as if my brain were trembling in response to the influx of ideas in my head. Amid the chaos going on inside my mind, two things became incredibly clear: I was high as fuck. And no one could know.

  As I pulled the handle to open the bathroom door, I still didn’t have a plan, but time had run out and I found myself with no choice but to face it.

  The country music grew louder as I swung the door open, and I was instantly met with my boyfriend’s smiling face. “Jesus,” I said, grasping my heart, “were you standing outside the door waiting for me, creeper?” I joked, careful not to make eye contact.

  I didn’t wait for a response. Eliot’s parents were drinkers, so I knew damn well that there were bound to be various bottles of liquor waiting to be consumed around here somewhere. If I began drinking immediately, any erratic behavior could easily be explained away by my inability to control my liquor. Story of my life.

  I wasn’t going to actually drink the alcohol, but I had to make it appear as if I were.

  “Whoa-ho-ho, someone’s in the celebrating mood tonight,” Eliot said over my shoulder as I made myself a Jack and Coke.

  “I know, right? I’ve had a rough day today, just been thinking about my mom a lot, ya know?” I took a swig of my drink and grimaced at the taste. “Geesh, I haven’t had liquor in a long time, it feels like I’m drinking fire,” I said.

  “Hey! Speaking of, my mom’s got a fire going out back, come check it out,” he said, placing his hand on the small of my back.

  As we headed out toward the fire, I decided this was where I was going to spend the majority of my evening. It was dark, so he wouldn’t be able to tell that my pupils were virtually nonexistent. He also wouldn’t be able to notice that I couldn’t keep my eyes open for more than thirty seconds, and most important—there was no one else out here.

  “I’m sorry to just spring this on you, but my mom really wanted to surprise you, she really likes you.” I didn’t look over at him, but I could tell he was staring at me and smiling.

  “Give it time,” I said jokingly (but not really).

  “So this is the lucky lady,” a voice from behind us called out. I turned around and could see three dark figures walking toward us. Fuck my life.

  “Yup, this is her,” Eliot replied, throwing his arm around my shoulder.

  “Tiff, I’d like you to meet Tyler, Gunnar, and Michelle. These guys work with me, and Michelle is on the undercover unit.” Perfect.

  “Hi, I’m Tiffany.” I stuck my hand out to shake Michelle’s and she ignored it, wrapping her arms tightly around me. I wasn’t prepared for this surprise hug so my arms were awkwardly pinned to my sides. I flinched as I suddenly remembered that there was a good chance I still smelled like weed.

  I held my breath as she pulled away and I could tell from her face that I was in the clear. She was obviously wasted and could hardly stand up; her heels were getting stuck in the grass as she swiveled back and forth attempting to regain her balance.

  “You’ll have to excuse her,” Gunnar said, smiling. “We usually don’t take her out in public, for this very reason.” Michelle laughed in response and gave him a playful slap. Gunnar was attractive, and that was putting it mildly. His perfect white teeth shone brighter than the moon and his muscles rippled underneath his Bass Pro shirt. He was much taller than I was and his shoulders were basically taking up the whole backyard.

  “Gunnar is on the K-9 unit,” Eliot said, as if he were reading my mind.

  “Oh, that’s cool,” I said, sipping my drink and trying to seem uninterested.

  “Tyler’s about to become a detective, ain’t that right, bud?” Eliot said, giving him a pat on the back.

  “God willing,” Tyler replied, taking a swig of his beer.

  “Eliot talks about you all the time,” Michelle randomly blurted. “It’s real sweet. He needs a good girl, he’s been fucked over more than anyone—”

  “Ha-ha, okay, Michelle, let’s not scare her off just yet, I kinda like this one,” Eliot said, smiling nervously.

  I felt like a bigger piece of shit with each passing moment.

  I observed quietly as the four of them talked about police things. I didn’t understand half of it because they were speaking in code, but I couldn’t help but wonder, What in the actual fuck have I gotten myself into?

  These cops were two feet away from me and I was nodding out and scratching my skin like a crackhead. I smiled and nodded along with their conversation, but I felt like a damn fish out of water.

  * * *

  —

  “That had to be a strange experience for you, Tiffany,” Dr. Peters said, snapping me back to reality. It was the first time she’d spoken in about forty-five minutes and to be honest, I had almost forgotten she was there.

  “Yeah, strange is a good word. I’d also say terrifying, exhausting, and truth be told, a little exciting.”

  “Well, of course, it was as if you yourself were going undercover. As a drug user, you had a behind-the-scenes look at what goes on in the world of law enforcement. This is incredibly intriguing, Tiffany.” Dr. Peters glanced down at her watch and I noticed a look of disappointment crossing her face.

  “As much as I hate to do this, I have to stop you there. It’s getting late and we still need to get you down for bag search. What do you say we meet again next week?” As she began gathering her papers, I couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed myself.

  This was the first time I’d actually talked about what happened, and in a strange way, going back and processing the things that had occurred was really therapeutic for me. It felt as if I’d been carrying a giant suitcase around with me this whole time, and while speaking with Dr. Peters, I was able to slowly begin emptying the suitcase, releasing a bit of the burden.

  “Dr., um, Peters. I…I was wondering if maybe it would be possible for me to just finish this, um, this one night. Finish telling you about this one night. I just, it, it would make me feel better if we could start fresh next week. I’m almost finished and it would help me to just, to just get the rest out? I know it’s late and honestly, I’m exhausted. But I just want to tell you about one more thing and then…we can be done. Please.”

  She stared at me for a moment, the way a mom stares at her child after he asks for “just one more bedtime story.” She peered down at her watch, then back up at me, and took two steps back to her chair.

  “Tiffany, I would love to hear the rest. I would sit here all day if we could, I just know that you have a lot of important things to do before we get you settled. I’d usually be finished with my intake evaluation by now.” She paused and seemed to reconsider. “Please, go ahead,” she said, crossing her legs and adjusting her skirt.

  “Thank you.” I took a deep breath, and continued.

  * * *

  —

  As the night progressed, I was continually introduced to more deputies and other various branches of law enforcement. I had to repeatedly apologize for my appearance and explain that my mother had recently passed and I’d been crying all day. I think most of them felt sorry for me and didn’t think twice about the fact that I looked like a zombie, and the rest were too drunk to notice.

  I had nervously sipped through four glasses of Jack and Coke and suddenly found myself feeling very friendly. I could feel my inhibitions disappearing and the volume of my voice increasing. I was drunk.

  “Whoa,” Eliot said as he grabbed hold of my arm to keep me upright. “You okay, babe?” he said, laughing.

  �
��No. Yeah! Hell yeah, I’m okay. It’s my party, I’ll get drunk if I want to,” I sang, obnoxiously.

  As time passed, the faces around me became a blur. It was as if the party were happening in slow motion. I could see blips of faces and hear random bursts of laughter, but the world around me was suddenly a kaleidoscope. I could feel my eyes rolling back into my head and it took every ounce of strength I had to focus my vision, and when I did, Eliot’s face was an inch away from my mine.

  “Hey, I have a gift for you. It’s in my bedroom,” he said.

  “Ha! Bullshit. I’ve fallen for that one before,” I said.

  He began laughing as he pulled me toward his room. “Not like that, nerd. It’s an actual gift. Here,” he said as he handed me a card and a small box as he shut the door behind him.

  “I hope you don’t ’spect me to read words right now,” I said, drunkenly tearing the paper away from the card.

  “Ha-ha. Just open the box, you can read the card tomorrow.” He set the card on the nightstand and sat down next to me on the bed. I vaguely remember opening the box, but I sure as hell remember what was in it.

  It was a pink key.

  I began crying tears of joy when I realized he’d bought me a car. My excitement was immediately extinguished when I saw the look on his face after I’d thanked him for the car.

  “Honey, I didn’t get you a car. It’s a key to my house. I’d like you to move in with me.”

  My face suddenly dropped. No. No. This can’t be happening. When I was driving over here to end our relationship, he was wrapping a house key for me.

  Fuck. My. Life.

  I had no choice. I couldn’t let this go any further.

  “Eliot,” I began. “Eliot, I appreciate this so much. It’s just—”

  “I know, it’s soon. I just don’t like the idea of you living with that stoner kid, and honestly, I hate not being able to see you four days out of the week. If you lived with me, I’d be able to see you every night when I come home from work. Nothing would make me happier than waking up next to you each day. Don’t make me beg….What do you say?”